Oscar and Emerald

E: Of course Oscar, I'm always here.

* Oscar pauses a little embarrassed

E: Hah! Don't be Oscar, we're friends remember.

O: Yes, friends, of course we are. Sorry.

E: So how was your day?

O: Oh, simply dreadful Emerald. I'm absolutely dripping wet and I'm miserable and cold.

E: Oh dear, Oscar. How the dickens did this come about?

O: Well. I feel very embarrassed but I can tell you, as we are good friends.

E: Fire away, sir, leave no stone unturned.

O: I was tricked into swimming in the Thames.

E: Tricked?

O: Yes, some frightful young ruffians convinced me their companion had fallen into the river and was drowning in the brown ooze.

E: Good lord, Oscar, whatever did you do?

O: Well being the athlete I am, and it was a good job it was me and not some poor, horizontally challenged gentlemen who was duped, I don't mind saying; I dived in to help only to find, half way across the filthy river; freezing cold, up to the eyeballs in sludge; that said, troubled youth was standing triumphant on the other side of the bank, dry as a stone and swing his hips in the most obscene manner. All the while laughing and jeering at my unfortunate predicament.

E: Then what happened, my dear friend?

O: Then I pulled myself onto the bank and shook off like a big shaggy dog.

E: Oh Oscar, how very appalling for you.

O: I don't mind telling you, Emerald, I became very angry, very angry indeed. I actually swore under my breath, something I very, very rarely do.

E: Oscar, listen to me. These boys, they are not of the same basic stack as you. They have neither your wit, nor your charm and they most certainly do not have your physical prowess, which you know Oscar cannot be matched.

O: Thank you Emerald. Thank you so much.

E: We are a higher breed Oscar, always remember that. I have just the thing for you predicament.

* Emerald hands Oscar a poem.

Oscar spent the next day in the seediest of seedy bars and the most dangerous alleyways. He wore purple; a cravat, a flower and a floppy hat. He felt really rather dapper,and was pleasantly surprised at how wittily he reacted to everyone he met.

Needless to say the day ended with Oscar losing his pride, his wallet and very nearly his life.

Oscar: Emerald? I am Knocked back again. It doesn't work Emerald, no matter how clever I am they will always get me!

Emerald: Of course Oscar. They enjoy it.

Oscar: But Emerald..

E: Oh be quiet you chubby idiot. You obese slobbering useless fool.

O: But, Emerald...

E: I lied when I said you are of a superior breeding. You see I have seen you Oscar. I know what you really look like. A fat, ugly, badly obsessed queen.

O: OSCAR IS WEEPING.

E: In fact you, sir, are not of superior stock but inferior stock. Your closest relative is a baboon and your father was a hippopotamus. I doubt you are human at all! Ape.